Two weeks ago Martin Smith took his own life.
I feel immense sadness my friend and fellow Evolutionary Transformational Navigator could not see how much Love there was / is in the world for him.
He wrote to this in notes he left behind………….”I am not Loved, No body Loves Me”.
And yet one hundred people showed up to his celebration day to pay their respect, share and speak to the part he paid within their lives.
On the day he had left us, it took me 2.5 hours (normally 40 mins) to get home as I had 3 phone calls with other Men from our Tribe.
For one call, myself and Jacopo cried for ten minutes, saying very little; what can be said that grieving sorrow could not express any greater than tears.
Yes, we are a Tribe of Men. A part of a Village of Men and Women. A sisterhood, a brotherhood. A clan. A bunch of Pirates.
Martin was apart of this.
Gathered together by our desire to experience and live something that isn’t readily available in our Modern Culture world. We gather together to train and navigate our feelings, our shadow worlds, to be vulnerable in front of each other, gaining matrix so that we can step out into the wide open world breathing an authentic way of being, into life.
I have lost the Man who scared me the most. The one who would speak to his shadow so freely. He scared me because of the reflection of my own Shadow I saw within him.
We would follow up with each other for 2 or 3 weeks after a training to see how our transformation was going; to be beside each other. To hold the sword.
And this life occurrence was not a training.
This Village is a living breathing mass of Love and Community that does not just exist in 5 day workshops and 2 hour Zoom calls or Telegram Chat groups.
From writing the first message that Martin had passed on; to the delivery of his body to the Crematorium and beyond; the Village is present.
Collaboration. Community. Healing. Love. Presence.
Making the most difficult of phone calls in the middle of the night.
Gathering flowers. Harvesting food. Cooking. Transporting. Accomodating. Creating spaces, Cleaning up. Playing music. Singing Waiata. Clearing stuck energy fields. Clearing his home of energy. Singing a song just for Martin. Drumming in circle. Conscious Movement. Holding ceremony. Keeping Martin company. Decorating his Coffin, Lighting candles.
3 Men spent the day building his last timber Waka to ride in, including a copper copy of the tattoo he wore upon his chest “Anahata”.
Heart Chakra; Heart Space; Love.
And more importantly than all of this the Village held space for each other to ride the waves of Sadness, Fear and Anger. And occasionally Joy.
The Village put day to day lives on hold and took the time to be with each other, to be with Martins daughters Mina & Hannah, to be with our lost friend.
Holding Space and being with. Holding Space and being with.
Presence. Love. Dignity. Reverence.
I noticed my Archtypal force of Guardianship kick in when Jason mentioned collecting his body from the hospital………….. “I will see you in Nelson on Monday ” I said.
Here is my part. There is no question. Go.
A 5 hour car drive and a plane flight and I was there. That’s all it took.
If Martin had made a call to me, I could have been there……………………
We went to the recycling store and got a door that would be narrow enough to carry him through the house. We stapled a sheet to it and then we were there in front of…….…..Hello, Martin, hello my dear friend.
We have come to take you to the place where people love you.
I reached forward and touched his skin with my finger tips.
His physical body was ice cold.
His skin not quite the right colour.
And yet he looked like Martin…..at peace somehow.
My sadness was very present though not emotional.
”We are a Soul with a Body, not a Body with a Soul” played through my mind.
Martins energetic, emotional, mental and archetypal bodies have left.
His physical representation for this life was all that remained.
”I’m glad I knew you when all 5 bodies were all together”.
We slide him into the back of the van and travelled high over the hill to Takaka, to Tui, to M’ocean. A home he had put his love into with three months of building and laughter.
Honour. Guardianship. Dignity. Love.
I am Angry at you Martin. Arrrrrghhhh I am very Angry!
Who do you think you are writing such a Dark letter to the Woman who calls you her best friend. Your own daughter.
Why could you not see the massive amount of Love in the world that was being directed straight at you!
Martins letter to Mina was an untidy hand scrawled note saying it is not your fault. “No one loves me”.
This was the first time I had felt really Angry and allowed full Rage.
In this moment it really landed within me what Anne-Chloe meant when she wrote : “Because suicide is a total take over by Gremlin. His Gremlin killed him. He let his Gremlin kill him while all these people, you and others, loved him. He let his Gremlin blind him, even with having access to the most brilliant clarity and support about Gremlin that exists in the world”.
This is how big ones gremlin can be. A persons King or Queen of their own shadow world can manipulate a person for weeks leaving them writing hand scrawled notes and ending their own lives.
Scarcity, Hate, Abandonment, Loneliness.
I am Scared of This.
I am Scared that Men can hide away.
I am Scared that Men can be Lone Wolves.
I am Scared that Men and Women hide their secret dark side, as though they are so clever to hold secrets.
I am Scared that I Do this.
And I welcome my Fear because I want to live in a world that is inhabited by Men who are in connection with each other, with their hearts.
I want to live in a world where Women and Men are connected with their hearts.
I want to live in a world where we speak forth our shadow and thereby bring it into the light.
The greater the light, the greater the shadow.
And there is Joy.
Joy that this Village works.
Joy that we all created a celebration of Martins life with dignity, authenticity and kindness.
Joy that the tools that Possibility Management give birth to, actually work in everyday living.
Joy that death is apart of life.
Joy that I am connected to you all, with Love.
To all who helped hold the Space for our beloved friend to leave our lives I celebrate you.
Sybille, Jason, Aralyn, Ana, Elliot, Mina, Hannah, Eliyah, Nicholas, Inna, Rob, John, Rhodry, Tui Community, Josine, Theo, Madison. (and if I miss you I apologise).
I LOVE YOU Martin Smith.
Love. Integrity. Celebration. Courage. Joy of Life.
Aroha nui
Jay.