Initiation of Heartbreak
My woman told me on Sunday she cannot commit to intimate relating with me. I know she is my woman, she called me her man. Not on this day, but just two days before.
We were in a held space.
Instantly I heard she is leaving me. This is not what she had said. That’s how the energy landed in me with my old stories coming up and smashing straight into my heart. And this brand new story. I did not see this coming. Here is the woman of my dreams, a goddess, a sorcerous, a woman of real tenderness and feminine power and with whom I have committed with to be evolving side by side. I am so in love with this woman. I am exploring with her what it means to be an Archetypal Man living with an Archetypal Woman. How amazingly cool is that for the universe to crash me into a woman like this.
She is leaving, you’ve fucked it up, she couldn’t wait for you to go through your evolution, you’ve been too slow, she has a wall built up, you’ve created low drama just once too often, you’ve seen this before with women and you know how this ends…………..wow, really, what did I do wrong? Who are you kidding…….You know!
The stories that came forward that don’t take into consideration I am relating with another being that has her own stuff going on and she is actually as sad as myself to bring this forth (actually that’s my interpretation to make me feel better), she’s got to a moment whereby her innate need to speak her current place on the map with great courage has arrived, she is standing within her own evolution. What a woman! This is scary.
Where is my beautiful special friend going. I’m so scared of being left alone. She can’t leave yet, we haven’t finished what we started. Aggghhhh how screwed up and complicated life can be.
I did not say much as I sensed my heart breaking into thousands of small pieces. Instantly I could not really grasp what I was hearing, eyes flooded with tears, and I cried deeply. I cried a lot. There were tears in her eyes. Wow. How am I going to come back from this. My heart is now shattered and lying on the floor.
What do I do with this. “Feel” came a voice to my left side.
Of course, ones heart cannot “break”, it cannot fall apart into hundreds of small pieces.
It sure can seem that way though. It’s an amazing thing, when one falls in love the heart feels so indestructible, so empowered, so full of life and vitality. And when its here, it seems as though its stopped beating.
The next day we went for a walk in the bush, we had a hot tub together. We hugged. There is love between us. It’s guarded though, the path forward is uncertain. The next step unknown.
I’m out fishing, The water is cold. Its winter. I’ve haven’t done this for so long. The wind is blowing like crazy. There’s a stunning rainbow in the air. I cast and I cast and I cast. I don’t catch a thing. Its so great to visit my old friend the river. The rainbow is still present. I fish so much I start to get cold. Sadness overwhelms me. I ache in the centre of my being, I break my fishing rod riding my bike between spots. Oh man, time to go home. I get my shit together to go into the fishing shop to see if I can get a replacement part.
Back in the car, I’m a mess. I’m falling apart. I’m shaking. I don’t know whether to turn left or right. I go home.
She is here. I ask her to hold space for me, I tell her I’m falling apart. She listens. She shares with me how she is. She is liquid. I am liquid. This is good. To see each others vulnerability and to see her sadness. This is extraordinary relating.
I have an EHP (emotional healing process) booked in. I go into the anger first. I haven’t visited the anger I have for her with this as yet, not really. Sadness and fear have presided. I’m so fuked off. With her. With myself. With life. The anger dissipates and opens the way for sadness.
I visit an ex partner Arzu who dumped me in the middle of Istanbul City once, I get angry with her and let that pass. I recall being lost and dazed in Kadikoy that afternoon. I recall numbing that with beer, raki and a couple of mates. How far my being has evolved, to be able to stay vulnerable and feel deeply and with this heal not just the present but the past. The easy way versus the hard way. The easy way being a quick fix for the moment, the hard providing long term effect, evolution and personal enhancement.
My mother comes up, again! I stand her in front of me and let the anger, fear and sadness come up. Stop yelling stop yelling cries my 5 year old innocent self.
I notice a egg shaped rock that surrounds me. The rock is a greenish / grey like the back of crystals, its about 10 cm thick. This is my protection from the angry yelling.
It’s been with me along time. It takes awhile to connect with this consciously and the outer impenetrable rock has been very good at helping me survive life this long. I realise that the inside of the rock is lined with crystals. Wow its like my own magic cave. These crystals having formed over years and years of my own love and light shining out from my being. I gain an understanding that this has also created some sort of illusion about my actual behaviour as received to others. That what my behaviour that i see as being full of light and love is actually a lot duller when it arrives at others and that my anger does not get dulled down as much providing others with a perception that I am more angry than I believe myself to be.
My space holder offers that I smash it up and place it in my bones. I stand with this notion for a little time…… yes that is the thing to do, to install the rock and crystal - the anger and love into my bones. It takes quite a rather lot of conscious anger and effort to finally smash a hole in this rock. By the time i have broken a piece above and to the left of my head the sensation of lightness brings tears to me eyes. What a relief to find this. To arrive here. To follow this heartbreak, to stay with the intensity of feeling for a number of days and be lead into a place of evolution.
So here we are; on the downstream side of a heartbreak. No one has walked out the door. The time is now. The next step is unknown. Radical relating is happening. Evolution is occurring. Life is being lived full out, authentically, honestly. Love is present.
On the wall of our WC there reads a quote from a friend who visited from Australia…………..”Run headlong towards your Next heartbreak”.