Peeling open a layer

Saturday morning is a time for a group process at Ahi o te Manawa. (this was written a few weeks ago………it’s still relevant to publish; but for my own time scale much has evolved since this was written). On this particular morning no-one else was able to be present so I lined myself up in front of the stereo to listen to a sound meditation. Quite a way into the “Sacred Acoustic“ recording I found myself in another realm. In this realm there was an abundance of everything. Abundance of time. Abundance of wealth. Abundance of Love. An abundance of abundance. It was a joyous place to be.

Then came the intense sound of the coffee grinder from the kitchen room next door. It went on and on and on, this wasn’t just a one cup grind. It shook me out of my haven of abundance and I got up, within a few strides I planted the hand grinder on the bench and requested they would be able to use that instead….. with just the right amount of conscious arsehole anger; then I said ”fuk” as I turned around.

Upon sitting back on my stool I found myself back in the place of abundance within a few breathes, but something had changed. I realised that the “fuk” had been an unnecessary addition and really came from a different place.

And then the sadness hit me, deep. Deep inside me came the realisation that one of the layers I have surrounded myself with, enabling my survival thus far in my living time was a layer of Scarcity. Scarcity of time. Scarcity of money. Scarcity of Love.

My body sobbed, the tears flowed and my cries of the sadness of realisation came raw and beautiful. I say beautiful because in retrospect it is such a - beautiful being improving realisation - to be given the chance to evolve through such moments. It was painful though. I haven’t howled like that for quite some time. The sadness was inescapable.

Here was I, living an incredibly sophisticated life; the Kaitiaki (guardian) of an incredible piece of land surrounded by bush and stunning views, having been dealt so many great hands within my 50 odd years, nearly two decades of paddling down rivers of the world, living with the Goddess of my life and being a part of something incredibly exciting in developing something only a handful of people know even has a hint of existing - a Research Centre and bridge house into Next Culture living. Plus a business that even though it has its challenges is of my own creation. But to live in the now is what I am striving towards. In the now I am feeling the pain of Scarcity.

This layer of scarcity explained so much to me about my behaviours in day to day, week to week living. For instance I am adept at moving quickly, so quick I don’t allow the time to feel into a space as I enter it, crashing open other peoples worlds. Having so many tasks to get done. Scarcity of time drives me to keep busy. And I could write so much more just on this alone. But for now I will skim over it.

Some weeks prior I had explained how my business hadn’t earned enough to pay the lease on the shed its housed in and that I was stealing money from the till to pay for my food. This is some scary stuff. Here is the scarcity of money in action. There is so much of this (money) in the world. Money is the one thing that this modern culture fuking up the world society has the ability to make boundless amounts of. Shifts are definitely required here. A new relationship with money.

Here we are at Scarcity of Love. How this has been showing up is so painful to write right now. And it is so so very painful to realise and own.

I am in an authentic honest relationship with a woman who is on the road to living as an Archetypal Woman. What an incredible opportunity my life has presented me. I find myself evolving into becoming an Archetypal Man - and not because of her nor for her but because now that I know this is possible I simply cannot, not go there. Within this comes the realisation and teachings that Bright Principles exist and are energies provided from the universe. They exist. They don’t need to be made up. They are there already…………….in abundance. Love is the most abundant one.

And yet here I am sitting with a scarcity of Love. So how does that show up day to day? I keep pushing my partner for more intimacy, more physical connection. There is an expectation around she will provide what I want. Time for an EHP on this for certain. I receive push-back and then my ego, child and gremlin comes through with a fighting energy, like a spoiled brat not getting his own way. It ends in low drama and greater disconnecting; the exact opposite to the desired intention. It sucks being a dumbass man at times.

A little later as I was heading outside, one of my fellow villagers told me of a conversation he had with another Evolutionary. This other man had spoken of how he was in a relationship with a women who had been such a powerful being that he had not been able to do anything except lose his own mans identity to be able to evolve alongside her. To break apart the man that he had been. My fellow villager commented on how awesome that must be. As I strolled amongst the large pine trees collecting pinecones for the hot-tub fire, feeling into the lingering deep sadness I cried some more. Here am I in the same place as this other fellow; living in a relating place with a stunningly beautiful powerful woman; evolving alongside of each other and here I am cloaked in an armour of Scarcity. I ventured back into the house.

“When a man is sitting inside the idea of being taken apart as a man, and feeling into the idea of evolving into an Archtypal Man of Nothing, the theory of it seems very attractive and “awesome”. It’s like once you know as a man that this is possible you can not turn away from it, I explained. And to actually be in this place, which is what I am experiencing right here in the now……………..is so very really truly painful, it hurts so much i am not certain I will be able to go all the way with it………..and I cannot, not!

This isn’t I’ve broken my arm painful, this is I am shedding something I have been carrying for decades painful. It’s a deep down pain. It’s a necessary pain to feel, it’s a “if I don’t feel this pain I wont change anything kind of pain”.

And it is time. It’s time to heal. It’s time to experience this now. It’s time to peel another layer open.